I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
