he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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