Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
