I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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