New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
