he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
