How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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