if i can run in heels then i can drive
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
