I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
