Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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