your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
