someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
