DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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