I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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