hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
