There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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