well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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