I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
