is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
