I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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