it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
