Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
