No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
