I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
where are my eyebrows?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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