I wish my penis had an off switch
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
