I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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