***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
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