The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Barsexuality is the new black.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Who died my cat blue again?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
