i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
zippers are such a cool invention
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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