I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
