How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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