Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
