I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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