We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
