I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
