I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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