Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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