I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
