I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
