P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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