I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Randomize