I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
