I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
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