he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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