i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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