Don't make out with my wife yet
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
