My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
