Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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