I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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