jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
