The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
