hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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