Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
