Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
