If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
They are going to name an STD after you.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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