Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
