i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
