Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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