She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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