In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
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