after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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