i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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