Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
